My dog is being really cute and snuggly
I ran out of eggs
Ski season is over
I am healthy and strong
It's my brother's birthday
I had an excellent adventure in Portland with new friends
I almost hit a squirrel with my car and could have potentially orphaned it's many babies
I just really like this song
It's my birthday
The flowers are blooming in the yard
I finished reading A Man Called Ove
I can't hear my friend when he repeatedly tries to explain something to me in a loud kitchen
It's my dog's birthday
I dropped my half eaten apple in the mud
The rain made me feel too calm???
My friend's toddler son asked me "are you happy?" Answer: yes
I watched a dog rescue video x17
I forgot to get the mail again
And my favorite: no discernible cause
Sadness, anger, frustration.
Joy, connection, gratitude.
It all comes out in tears.
I feel like a crazy person. I have never been so mercurial. And I cannot stop crying. I've also never been so ... happy?
A shift is happening in my mind, in the world. Maybe it's my adult brain neurons catching up to all the meditation I've been doing. Or maybe it's a Universal wavelength and I'm along for the ride.
I just had a major realization while making late night stir fry.
I don't act like I love myself.
Like, I've been hungry for hours but I kept getting distracted and didn't feed myself. You don't do that to someone you love.
I've been sad and mopey and impatient with my feelings.
I have talked myself out of doing things because I couldn't possibly be smart enough, cool enough, strong enough, motivated enough to do it.
Holy shit. Where is the love for myself?
I've been told my whole life that "you have to love yourself first blah blah" and that's just taken on a brand new, very obvious meaning to me.
It doesn't just mean I have to love myself but that I have to treat myself like I would someone I love.
I have never framed it in a way that was tangible.
Maybe it's these new bright ass LED lights in my kitchen but this is one of the clearest realizations of my life.
I haven't been writing. For a million reasons, none of which can actually justify the lack of cathartic output from my overactive brain, I have not once sat down to make myself write.
I noticed this morning that I have been so keyed up by all the current events that I have no tolerance for anything. Hate, dishonesty, excuse making. Zero. None.
It's a combination of "what the actual fuck is wrong with this world?" and my own values becoming ever-more apparent to me.
I am an introvert and I've spent more time interacting with people face to face and online in this last month than I can handle. It's time for me to take a BIG step back into my blanket cave and take a deep breath. I'm afraid that if I don't I'm going to become even shorter with my words, less patient with the faults in those I love and, worst of all, lose sight of what makes me feel grateful every day.
I might hermit more than I usually do. Spend more time in bed with a book than I usually do. Say "no" more than I usually do. Set stronger boundaries than I usually do. Focus more on my own goals than I usually do. Ask for what I need better and more often than I usually do.
Here's your warning: I am unavailable for the month of February. Calendars all booked. I've got volunteer commitments. I've got personal deadlines. I've got play dates with Delilah. I've got a whole lot of me time planned and none of that includes expending time and energy on things and people that make me feel like I would rather be at home alone relishing the peace and quiet.
Selfish. Self-care. Whatever. I need some time alone before I lose my damn mind.
I am grateful for this election.
Never have I seen more protestors, more activists, more spiritual leaders mobilize to fight human rights violations and inequality.
Never have I seen more acceptance of differing religions.
Never have I seen more public support for my LGBTQ+ community.
Never have I seen more people saying "This, this is not okay. No one should treat you this way."
Never have I seen more love and compassion sprout from such a confusing, enraging, terrifying situation.
Is this the thing that divides us all? Is it the thing that brings us all together? Is it the thing that ruins us all completely? I don't know.
My hope is that THIS is what awakens us all to the reality that WE have to do something in order for ANYTHING to get done.
Even if the thing we do is as wonderfully simple as choosing love over hate.
On Inauguration Day I will be meditating. I will be breathing through my heart. I will be sending love to the corners of the world. I will be envisioning peace, compassion, and community. I will paint the future that I hope my kids get to live in. I will imagine the human race evolving beyond this time, this need for otherness. We are all in this together. We are one.
I am grateful for this election.
I did a thing. A sharing deep feelings kind of thing and I silently panicked the. whole. time.
Surely, I will implode should I allow myself to be vulnerable. I can't let anyone into the barricaded corridors of my mind lest it create a landslide into the messy caverns of my very guarded heart.
Well. I did. And I did not die.
I still feel like I'm going to throw up though.
I feel like I need 200 hours of solitude. I have reached my maximum level of people-ing. My battery is drained. Time to recharge.
Tonight's Probable Agenda:
Eating too much cheese and watching a sappy romantic comedy.
If you need me, find me tomorrow.
Today was a frustrating day. Nothing went as planned. There were a lot of "are you fucking kidding me?"s going around.
Honestly, all the things going wrong couldn't have been helped much anyways. It was what it was. I am good at rolling with the punches but I need to get better at doing it with grace and ease and not with steam coming out of my ears. If I had taken a moment to focus on the good that was going on around me, I would have had a way better time.
"Focus on the good" will be my mantra for the rest of the weekend so if you hear me growling it repeatedly to myself I have indeed lost my mind and it's probably never coming back.
The good right now: I will be snuggled up in my bed with my dog and a good book before 8pm.
I'm fighting sleep to write a thing. What I have for us is this:
I have a roof over my head, food on the table, and enough love from my friends that my heart might explode. Life is good even and especially when I am sad, angry, depressed, or overwhelmed because despite my shitty disposition those things never go away.
The more I listen to my heart, take time to breathe, and really live in the moment the more I enjoy each day and the less I worry about the outcome. It's not always easy to let it go and smile but when I choose to do that the energy keeps flowing and I feel at ease.
Life is good.
And it keeps getting better.
I struggle with asking for and accepting help. You can attribute that to the stubborn pride I learned from my mum. (I promise, she left me with good things, too.)
Whether it's that I'm trying to prove myself to some unknown being, or that I don't trust others to help me, or that I just really love a good, long trip on the struggle bus ... I don't know.
I try to do it all myself. And most times I fail. You would think that I would learn buuuut I don't. (Where else does this show up in your life? I know.)
It's important to remember that while I can do anything, I cannot do everything at once and certainly not alone. As I take on bigger and more awesome things it's going to become even more crucial for me to ask for and ACCEPT HELP.
I put it in SHOUTCAPS so that I'll know that's the key part, right there.
No, but really. I cry all the time.
Happy, sad, angry, excited, grieving or celebrating: I cry.
The darker side:
I used to think crying meant you were weak and I thought that if you let people see those moments of "weakness" they would think less of you.
I was a sensitive kid. I was easily reduced to tears. My mom, raised by an alcoholic single mom, was terrified of emotions. She would say to me "Do you have to cry about everything?"
So I stopped.
As someone who has perfected both the "I'm fine, everything's fine" convincing smile and the passive resting bitch face, I can tell you that shoving your emotions into little manageable compartments takes a lot of energy. Eventually, whatever you're feeling starts to spill out of its neat pile in the corner and creep into your awareness wrapping its tentacles around your heart until it cracks open.
I can either let the emotion pass through me and cry gracefully, messily, gratefully.
Or I can hide it until it becomes too big and it crushes me.
So I cry a lot.