During a conversation on the way back from Trader Joe's with Trish a few weeks ago, I had this intense moment where I realized I didn't want to buy a school bus anymore. When I told her my truth it was like I was making a decision to own how I really felt. I was SURE that was not what I wanted to do anymore. I was also a little sad to let go of this thing I've been lovingly cradling for years but if I were being honest with myself it didn't feel like it was mine anymore.
That night when I got home I dug out my notebook. Back in July I did the Clear Visioning Exercise. I put on meditative music, closed my eyes, envisioned my ideal life, and then recorded it. And guess what ... there was absolutely no mention of a school bus. Not once.
After doing that exercise I remember thinking it strange that I hadn't put anything about the bus in there and I tried to reframe my ideal life to include the bus but something felt off. My old ideal was dissonant to my new ideal and it was causing me stress. So I did what any enlightened and evolved person would do ... I closed my notebook and didn't (consciously) think about it again until that "oh shit" moment in the car.
Since the Car Ride of Acceptance I've told the people closest to me with absolute certainty that I want to stay here, in this beautiful place that really and truly feels like home. I've experienced a brand new eagerness to settle down, set roots, and dig into this very wonderful place that I live in. Opportunities of community involvement and development have been falling into my lap and it's been really eye-opening for me to experience this flow of what's next.
So I guess my message today is this:
When something feels like it's no longer meant for you, let it go.
Lately, I've been stressed out. Sad. Frustrated. I've been grieving. Growing.
I've been staring at my feet, my focus reduced to the narrowness of my singular experience.
While getting lost in a sea of emotional chaos, I have not been taking care of my spirit. I have been letting other peoples' complaints and negativity invade my space, all that bad energy swirling around and through me. I've been neglecting my sources of joy.
It doesn't feel good.
I have the tools to stop, [collaborate,] and listen if I can remind myself to do it. But sometimes the inner workings of my mind get so crowded that I forget to breath.
Today I had a couple extra, unplanned hours to myself. I took the time to let my mind wander on whatever positive path it could find. I listened to really loud music. I laid on the floor with my dog. I baked brownies (from a box, let's not get too excited). I took the time to be alone and do the things that recharge my soul.
Now that I feel more like my whole self, I can look outside of my mind, look up, and be present for the message:
On your way to looking at the stars, level your sight, share a moment with the ones you love, and say "thank you."
Thank you for this opportunity to learn. For this life of ups and downs. For Delilah and my huge family of friends who are so patient with my process. Thank you. I love you.